by Ryan Meehan
As the regular readers of this blog are well aware, I hate holidays. I don’t celebrate any holiday, ever, for any reason. Most of them are concocted by the Hallmark corporation to sell greeting cards that we all throw away a day later.
April Fool’s Day is not one of those days. This abomination of a holiday was created for others to play practical jokes on each other for a full 24 hour period without any sort of repercussions. In other words, people can play pranks on you the entire day, and it’s still illegal to beat them to death with a sock full of dead batteries.
I fucking hate April Fool’s Day. It makes angry as hell. Even though I love comedy, I’ve never been a prankster at any point in my entire life. Pranking is right down there with prop comedy and Jeff Foxworthy when it comes to the level of hackiness. It’s the asshole hair of all that is trying to be funny.
Any sort of prank is a stupid idea. Look at how on edge our country is at the moment: Everybody is broke, anybody that gives a shit about protecting themselves owns a gun, and one of the most popular sports in the country is where people beat each other bloody with their bare hands. Somehow I think “Just Kidding!” isn’t going to fix the problems those things might cause. Let’s view an example.
A man leaves for work in the morning. Someone decides to play a prank on him by calling his stay at home wife and telling her that he’s been having a gay love affair with her husband for years and he finally wanted to come clean and tell her. She freaks out, and instead of calling him, reacts on her first instinct by strangling their child because she doesn’t want the kid to grow up with two daddies. Then she goes upstairs and after she realizes what a horrible mistake she’s made she pulls an Ernest Hemmingway and “cleans” the family gun. Dad comes home from lunch and the rest, as they say, is history.
See what I mean? And as completely off the wall as that scenario might seem, is it really anymore off the wall than anything you’ve read in the news recently? Of course not. It’s totally possible. But hey…the guy was “Just Kidding!” right?
And for the record, I differentiate between pranking and hooliganism. Hooliganism is more chaos-based, where if someone gets hurt it’s more of an accident as it’s not necessarily directed at anyone in the first place. Pranking is done deliberately to wreck somebody’s day, and it’s usually directed at someone that you supposedly care about. And it creates more tension later when you’re all at the bar:
First Guy: “Aw, man you oughta have seen the look on your face when I told you I drove by your house this morning and it was on fire”
Second Guy: “Fuck You, Steve”
And in a completely news-obsessed world filled with around the clock coverage, April Fool’s day is a very dangerous idea. Just check out all of the horrible shit that really did happen on April Fool’s Day:
On April 1, 1984, singer Marvin Gaye was shot and killed by his father. Originally, people assumed that it was a fake news story, especially considering the bizarre aspect of the father being the murderer.
The AMC Gremlin was first introduced on April 1, 1970.
The 2005 death of comedian Mitch Hedberg was originally dismissed as an April Fools’ joke. The comedian’s March 29, 2005 death was announced on March 31, but many newspapers did not carry the story until April 1, 2005.
Leslie Cheung, a famous singer and actor from Hong Kong, committed suicide in 2003 due to severe depression.
The death of King George II of Greece on April 1, 1947.
On April 1, 2009, a Virus/Worm called Conficker was released and spread to millions of computers, releasing personal info and deleting files. This was supposed to be a joke, but random computers throughout America were hit. Before this happened, news media like NBC, Fox News, ABC and CBS told the viewers to install firewalls and updates to their Windows computers before it hit
The April 1, 1946 Aleutian Island earthquake tsunami that killed 165 people in Hawaii and Alaska resulted in the creation of a tsunami warning system, the Pacific Tsunami Warning Centre, established in 1949 for Pacific Ocean countries. The tsunami in question is known in Hawaii as the “April Fools’ Day Tsunami” due to people drowning because of the assumptions that the warnings were an April Fools’ prank.
That’s why this April Fool’s Day, I have devised a simple and easy solution, I’m going to wear my steel toed boots everywhere and set them up with razorblades facing outward. That way when I kick whoever pranks me in the throat, it will rip and they’ll likely not be able to talk the rest of their life. This will prevent further pranks. I’ll have blood all over me, but it will be well worth it. And that’s something everybody can laugh at.
Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.
P.S. And don’t be giving me any of this “You can’t take a joke” shit either, because I don’t participate in this silly activity in the first place. I don’t have to worry about not being able to take it, because I’m not dishing it out motherfucker.