Catwoman (2004) – Review

I feel sorry for the cats who had no say about their inclusion in this film

Pitof ( which is probably just a pen name for one of the Broken Lizard writers), I hope that you were forcibly removed from Hollywood.

Where does someone start with a movie that is this bad?  Halle Berry in a bondage suit was the least of this films worries, as the full on assault of fecal matter was flying at me from all angles.  So I guess I could talk about the plot, yeah the plot…..if that is what you want to call it.  Halle Berry (at this point I don’t even care what her character’s name was) works for a cosmetics company in the art department.  She is running on a tight deadline to turn in a new advertising piece so she is forced to race over to the cosmetics factory to deliver the artwork…..ya know….to the factory.  When she arrives at the factory it seems that everyone has gone home for the evening but she somehow easily makes it into a restricted area of the factory (through the side door, which has been left unlocked in the middle of the night).  Her mindless wandering through the darkened factory brings her to a secret meeting about the latest anti-aging cream that the company is selling.  She overhears the discussion about the damaging effects of the cream, is chased after and she dies.  At this point the movie should have just been stopped, the filming to that point chalked up to a loss and everyone could have moved on.  Instead the dead Halle Berry is brought back to life by a CGI cat who breathes in her face and she is infused with cat powers.  She is Catwoman at this point, but at no point is she a good actress (whoops, now that the cat is out of the bag………..).  Ok that is all I want to talk about the plot because this movie was so heinous that discussing the rest makes me want to buy another copy to run over with a car.

So what was so awful that I had to run it over with a car?   First of all the city looked like it was created by Maxis for a 2001 version of Sim City.  At times I wondered if the whole movie would have somehow been made better by converting the live action scenes to this same look.  More than half of the Catwoman fight scenes were littered (not the good kind where a cat would be burying this film next to its turd) with a CGI Catwoman.  Instead of choreographing a decent sequence they decided it was a lot easier to just fake it with a computer.  Granted, I should be cutting the animators some slack because I imagine that they had just graduated from design school and had absolutely no idea what they were doing, because that is surely what it looks like.  If you were seasoned animators than shame on you…….as i put your face directly over the carpet that you just soiled and verbally reprimand you.

Then there is the loud music that seems to be piped into 90% of the movie, most likely to cover up for a lack of a script.  I am sure the meeting went like this:  “Well guys, we haven’t really finished writing the script and you have already started shooting.  But based on dailies I don’t really think there is any amount of writing that can be done to save this movie from oblivion so we have decided to turn it into a low-budget music and dance number and we will randomly insert cat quips to break up the scenes.”  They all agreed and then they gave us this:

I have already spent too much time talking about this movie so I am just going to give you a few more offenses, in list form to sway you if you are still considering watching it.

  • Sharon Stone is one of the villans (if you can call them that)
  • The woman who voices Lois Griffin on Family Guy is a supporting actor and you will understand why she is a voice actor
  • The catnip scene
  • Who goes out on the ledge of their highrise apartment and stands on a window air condition unit in attempt to “save” a cat?
  • This CGI cat was clearly the best actor
  • Lastly, Halle Berry is in the movie.  Even with her take no responsibility for her own career, tongue in cheek Razzie speech, I have no respect for her lack of acting ability.  She can blame the writers and director for everything but her piss poor acting.

I deserve a lot of flack for watching this pile of junk, but instead I will shift the blame to Dawson and his inability to pick a good number.

Score – 0.0/10

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One thought on “Catwoman (2004) – Review

  1. Yeah, I was never really a big fan of the whole Catwoman thing. I’m a huge fan of cats, but I never really understood why Halle Berry got so much credit for her acting “abilities”. I think she sucks.

    One bonus comment: The woman whom Cal is speaking of (Voiceover actress from Family Guy) would be Alex Borstein. She was on MADTV . I don’t really see her as a supporting actor so I’m sure that’s, well, interesting…

    Meehan

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