by Guest Editor
Bud Light is running a new promotion for this upcoming NFL season in which 7/8ths of the teams in the league have agreed to have their team’s logo on the front of the cans available at your local gas station, grocery store, or bar. This will allow for fans of just about every single NFL team to enjoy the swill that is Bud Light from a customized disposable container made of aluminum. The Bears, Cowboys, Packers, and Vikings cans were not manufactured due to the fact that these franchises do not have a partnership with Bud Light. Recently a focus group was held at the Anheuser-Busch headquarters in St. Louis where participants actually had the chance to run taste tests on the beer in these 28 cans, and – what do you fucking know – here at First Order Historians we were able to obtain some of the findings from this focus group. This data was retrieved by our crack team of undercover operatives, and today we’d like to share it with you. Take a deep breath, sink back into your favorite easy chair, and have a gander at what you can expect your taste buds to experience if you drink a Bud Light out of your favorite team’s new specialized NFL beer can.
The beer in the Detroit Lions can will always let you down, but for some bizarre reason you’ll keep drinking it until the day you die even though it never gets you drunk.
When you drink the beer in the Washington Redskins can it turns you into a megalomaniac who doesn’t understand his team’s nickname is unquestionably a racial slur.
There is no beer in the Philadelphia Eagles can because all of their fans have consumed every last drop of alcohol on the face of the earth that is allotted for people who are hammered enough to root for the Eagles.
The beer in the New York Giants can is inexplicably good at times…to the point where it almost defies logic. But when it isn’t, it’s the most putrid tasting liquid known to man.
The beer in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can tastes like sewer water if you’re drinking it at home, or in a stadium where grown men dress like pirates but for some reason aren’t beaten with billy clubs.
The beer in the New Orleans Saints can tastes like it has great fantasy can stats. In reality, it tastes like a drinking fountain at a park just outside of the ninth ward in late September of 2005. Yeah, I went there.
The beer in the Carolina Panthers can will get you to the next level of wherever you are going, although you certainly don’t get there by being a winner.
The beer in the Atlanta Falcons can is delicious about every other year, even though the guy who is in charge of brewing it is supposedly one of the greatest brewmasters working today.
The beer in the Seattle Seahawks comes out of the can deafeningly loud, but if you’re not careful the bottom can fall out of the can at the very end of the best drink inside of it.
The beer in the St. Louis Rams can is brewed very close to where the franchise is located, but could easily get up and move to another container in the nicest room in your house in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts did in March of 1984.
The beer in the Arizona Cardinals can is pretty impressive, but if you stocked up for the whole season I’d try to drink as much of it as possible before December rolls around.
The beer in the San Francisco 49ers can has a rich history of the many quality beers that came before it, but it’s going to taste like diarrhea mixed with swamp ass if you drink it this year.
The beer in the Oakland Raiders can tastes like Pabst Blue Ribbon, but you’ll finish it or pour it out quickly because you’re almost guaranteed to have one of the first picks of the next unmarked can in the fridge.
The beer in the Kansas City Chiefs can will leave you impartial to its taste and unable to come up with a joke as to what it tastes like because, really…How can you make any joke about the Chiefs that’s relatable to 96% of football fans?
The beer in the San Diego Chargers can may be trying to move into the same container in the same room that the beer in the Rams can was trying to move to in the earlier taste test.
Statistically speaking, the beer in the Denver Broncos can is perhaps the greatest tasting regular-season beer in the history of sitting around drinking beer and watching the NFL.
The beer in the Pittsburgh Steelers can isn’t that bad until you start hearing Terry Bradshaw talk about how much better it used to be, and then you quickly begin to dislike it intensely to the point where you want to go to the nearest farm and pump some cattle rancher full of fresh lead.
There’s a lot of dents in the Baltimore Ravens can, but it probably just “fell down some stairs”. The beer itself has a very solid taste, but for some reason it’s the least exciting out of all of these options.
The beer in the Cincinnati Bengals can tastes better than you might expect, but as soon as the playoffs start it tastes like hot dog water.
The beer in the Cleveland Browns can reminds you of a time when all beer tasted great, but for some reason all you can think of after you drink it is Earnest Byner fumbling at the two yard line back in 1988.
The beer in the Indianapolis Colts is very close to being the best tasting beer in the world, but you just get this weird feeling it never will be.
The beer in the Houston Texans can tastes OH MY GO DID YOU SEE THIS STORY ABOUT HOW JJ WATT SAVED A BUNCH OF ELDERLY PEOPLE FROM A BURNING BUILDING?
Nobody has really ever tasted the beer in the Tennessee Titans can. Here at FOH we were unable to locate a representative from the Tennessee Titans, Bud Light, or the NFL who has been able to comment on this situation, so we’re not entirely sure this beer even exists at all.
The beer in the Jacksonville Jaguars can tastes very bad, and for some reason the number to the national suicide hotline is printed on the back.
The beer in the New York Jets can has to come in a can, as if it was available on tap it would have an awful taste because it drafts so poorly.
The beer in the Buffalo Bills can is supposed to be wonderful over the next four months, but just remember we still haven’t seen any proof of that yet.
The beer in the Miami Dolphins can tastes pretty good exactly half of the time, and absolutely awful the other half of the time.
The beer in the New England Patriots can tastes suspiciously amazing, and therefore naturally all of the beer in the other containers have assumed the Bud Light was drained from the Patriots’ cans and replaced with Heineken.
In closing, thankfully I don’t have to really worry about how any of these beers actually taste because I don’t drink Bud Light – it’s garbage. I hate to sound like a beer snob, because I can’t stand all of those people who think they’re too hipster for the world outside of them just because they are sipping an oatmeal stout. That being said, I hate to break it to you folks…but Bud Light is pretty much just water. Every time I see somebody super-hamdogged and they tell me they’ve been drinking the BL all night long, I find myself becoming very suspect of anything they say from that time forward because Bud Light is practically Busch Light N/A. Bud Light makes Coors Cutter taste like it’s fucking craft beer. Have fun watching the games, but if you’re going to drink…don’t be a sissy about it.
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