by Eight Thirty Seven with assistance from Dubsism and Jason from Indiana
Thanksgiving week is upon us, and the National Football League plans to once again dominate your television screen from your late morning hangover all the way through until you head to Kohl’s to trample other shoppers in search of a comforter you’ll just end up pissing all over at some point anyway. But we’ve done the stock Thanksgiving bits numerous times on this site, so fuck that shit…Let’s get to talking football. The bye weeks are done, and we will finish the season out each week with a full schedule of games. There were three games on my radar last week that had a drastic effect on a feeling I’m beginning to have about the future: In Minnesota, Aaron Rodgers led the Packers to a convincing win over the Vikings that Green Bay had to win after dropping three straight. In Carolina the Panthers shelled the Redskins, and out in the desert the Cardinals pulled out a last second victory against the Bengals. These three games were very close to my heart because I am hungry for new blood to succeed in the NFL. To be honest, I’m getting a little bit tired of seeing the Packers win and that’s why I’m so jacked about seeing the Cardinals and Panthers succeed. We can’t just expect Rodgers to be there every year and keep hitting off of the same four guys year after year. It’s getting tiresome and nobody really wants to see that happen over and over, and it’s cool to see a guy who’s getting his second wind and become successful again while this other kid is ripping it up all the way across the country. New England is going to win the AFC unless something disastrous occurs, but watching the NFC playoff picture unfold has been a real pleasure to watch.
One guy that likely hasn’t been taking pleasure in watching any of this stuff is Dubsism, who is going to be taking out a second mortgage on his teepee in about a month. His wife just took a second job at Kohl’s to support his gambling habit, and their house cat Shadow is now moonlighting at Danzer’s off of McCarty Lane in Lafayette. I mean, I know you can’t win ’em all…but God we have really sucked with our picks this year.
J-Dub: What a disaster this week was. Think of the Titanic showing episodes of Ken Jeong’s Godawful sit-com while it gets plowed into by the Hindenburg. The gambling action was so dreadful that the highlight of my week actually came from getting blocked by Jeong for this:
Despite the fact I left out the word “commercial,” he clearly got the message. That lead to this response, which I thought that was pretty funny. It was actually a fuck of a lot funnier than anything I’ve seen from his soon-to-be-dead sit-com.
A pro wrestler doing the “Ooooh, I’m soooo scared” thing. Like I said, I thought this was funny…so much so that when I went to re-tweet it, I realized that Jeong had blocked me. What the…?
Believe it or not, Ken Jeong broke my “Twitter-blocked” cherry. The fact that I’ve been a blogger for six years, and this is the first time anybody’s ever blocked me is about as impressive of an accomplishment as remaining a virgin in Arkansas past the age of 11. At first, I couldn’t believe this guy gave a shit what some blogger thinks. Then I realized that he’s got the same problem as the J-Dub Gambling Challenge does. You can tell “Dr. Ken” was his “baby;” he saved up his cash and established himself in the right spot in the entertainment business to get that show made. This was his proverbial “pet project,” and I called his baby “ugly.” He’s going to end up working in a food truck somewhere on Wilshire Boulevard because he can’t write a network-friendly “butthole” joke, and I’m having juice and cookies with the winos at the plasma center because I drank the Kool-Aid on the Vikings not being hot, salty garbage.
But I also know what a big part of my problem is. Sadly, I can’t fix it until next year. I’m done betting on anything which happens on Thursday. That’s a problem with this challenge because we need to publish before the Thursday games. That creates a classic gambler’s dilemma. One the one hand, there’s something to be said for getting those early numbers. For example, buying the Broncos early last week meant the difference between a win and a push. But on the proverbial other hand, you miss a lot of information that doesn’t come out until Thursday or Friday. I’ll gut it out to the bitter end this year, much as Ken Jeong will do with “Dr. Ken.” As for you, Dr. Jeong, I’m actually a fan of yours and I’m hoping you bounce back from this setback. After all, I have a rule about trusting people who say they never failed at anything, because it either means they never risked anything or they are lying. However, if I knew I was going to get blocked, I would have got my money’s worth for it. Your baby isn’t ugly, Ken. It should have been taken to Planned Parenthood and sucked into a bio-hazard bag. Having said that, let’s see how much further I can abort the J-Dub Gambling Challenge Bankroll.
Now that you know what’s up with Dubs, let’s take a moment to look at what we think will go down in week twelve of the NFL season.