This is how unbelievably stupid a 2015 politically correct version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” would read

1Rudolph

by Ryan Meehan

Rudolph – the red-nosed reindeer – had a very shiny nose. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, in fact it’s somewhat of a compliment. When you get a brand new car, it’s nice and shiny because it’s been given a nice polish before you drive it off of the lot and it instantly loses value. This is not to suggest that if the car you own is older that you’re any less valued than an individual of any race or ethnicity who owns a newer vehicle, or that if you yourself are older than the next person that you would be of less worth as such would suggest undertones of prejudice against the elderly. But returning to Rudolph, if you were to see this incredible device that grew between his eyes you may or may not proclaim that it glows. This does not in any way mean to exclude people who are blind from being in awe of the spectacle that was this particular reindeer’s nose, as it probably could have been described to them by someone who can bring the image to life without trivializing their disability. It’s unclear as to why Rudolph possessed a facial extremity that was illuminated so, and that statement was not made to assume that his parents were affiliated with the Illuminati or that the Illuminati even exists to begin with. To assure the comfort of those whose primary concern is the environment, let’s also state that Rudolph’s glowing nose was most certainly not the result of a birth defect caused by a nuclear power plant near the North Pole.

Anyway, all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, which is bullying and should never have been tolerated in the woods to begin with. The fact that Rudolph was raised in the woods shouldn’t be interpreted as a mockery of those who have been home schooled, as plenty of children and/or reindeer have become successful with that specific type of educational background. So because of this life-threatening and playground reindeer terrorism Rudolph endured for many years, he was not allowed to join in any activities with the other reindeer that he was only allowed to participate in if his religious freedom were not being violated by suggesting his involvement in such shenanigans. This statement doesn’t insinuate that these other reindeer were Muslims, and to be clear we’re using the term “terrorism” in the sense that they were violently shunning him from their day-to-day recreational behavior in a manner that was perceived to be mean and exclusionary.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, a fictional bearded man who may or may not be associated with a common type of belief system knocked several times on the tree next to which Rudolph slept before asking him if he was too busy to answer a simple question. It was a grand request:  This “Santa” (whose name is in no way associated with the occult even though it’s an anagram of the word “Satan”) wanted him to guide his sleigh while dispersing of the many presents children all across the world might or might not be getting. The volume of presents to be acquired by each child would evenly distributed from one residence to the next, and in no way would have anything to do with the economic background of their individual families or loved ones.

Shortly thereafter, all of the reindeer rushed to the support of their new-found leader and realized the error of their ways. They accepted their positions as integral parts of Santa’s flying reindeer brigade, a fleet of creatures that no longer discriminated based on gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, race, or preference in ice cream or lack there of due to lactose intolerance. While embarking on their journey, they shouted out with glee – not because they were gay or anything, simply because they wanted to share in the joy one might experience from seeing an underdog – or cat – like character emerge from such peer scrutiny – “Rudolph the differently-abled, non-gender specific caribou of a circumpolar distribution, you’ll most likely be remembered in the books that we use to teach high school students to glorify the violent and oft-mistaught white privilege for which our ancestors should rightfully be known!”

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