The Deep Six:  Bold and Not So Bold Predictions for 2016

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by Eight Thirty Seven

If you’ve read our end of the year 2015 piece, you’ll know that I can’t wait for the new year to arrive. Aside from interviews with various comedians, actors, and musicians, during football season a great deal of this website is heavily dedicated to predicting what will happen in various NFL games taking place that weekend. But we wouldn’t be maximizing our abilities in assuming the future unless we gave you some takes on something outside of sports, because that would be weak as fuck. So today we’re going to make some bold and not so bold predictions for the year ahead. A couple of these are a little out there, a couple are wishful thinking, and some of them are obvious. Some of them could potentially even fall under more than one of those categories, like for example the moment 2016 gets off to a rocky head start in the online hookup community when…

  1.  An audit of Tinder will show that 90% of its profiles are fake

Seems legit, doesn't it?

Hey, remember a few months back when the Ashley Madison leak went down and they found out that it was basically a few million dudes trying to hook up with about 12,000 women because most of the profiles were fake? I could only imagine when that went down there were a bunch of people who worked for Tinder licking their chops and expecting AM’s entire customer base to come right over and use their free app and significantly boost their bottom line. Well, tie one on Tinder…you’re fucking next. I firmly believe that within the first couple of months in 2016 we will see this app get exposed in a manner that makes the Ashley Madison thing look like a minor oversight. How do I know this? I use Tinder. And at the risk of sounding a tad misogynistic (Guilty as charged, your honor!) I can tell you that it does work. The only problem is now Tinder has fallen victim to the plague of spam which consumed Ashley Madison, and I as a user I can promise you that is what’s happening. I live in a metro area that is home to about 300,000 and I’ve lived here my whole life so I know the average – and very unfortunate – genetic makeup of people who live in this area. They look nothing like the girls that come up on my screen every time I log onto Tinder, and although there are plenty of real users on this app it takes so long to find them that it’s barely even worth it. A big red flag was when I noticed that four consecutive users which came through my feed all lived in Bettendorf and all had palm trees in their profile picture. Long story short, it’s becoming more and more obvious that this site is full of spammers as evidenced by the instant messages I get telling me to visit some site called “Ydater” that looks about as legit as a life-sized mouse trap with a gigantic plate of bacon on top of the trigger. But the funny thing is that you don’t even need to use Tinder to realize that it’s full of spam…just look at the “Find Friends” link on your Facebook app. Notice how most of them are super hot single women? That’s because in order to use Tinder you need to have a Facebook account, and I’m assuming it took these spammers about five and a half seconds to figure that out. That’s why your Facebook find friend feed has been face fucked to the point where you don’t recognize anybody. It’s all Tinder’s doing, and as soon as this kite string pops this app is toast. Good riddance. Real people are fake enough as it is to begin with, we shouldn’t have to wade through piles of fake fake people just to get to the fake real ones just for the sole purpose of getting our genitals wet. Speaking of fake people…

  1.  Somebody of true importance is going to call out the Kardashians and it’s going to begin a domino effect that will result in those fucking idiots falling out of the news cycle forever

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If you thought my hatred of Tinder seems like it couldn’t possibly be topped, you’d be fucking dead wrong. With 2016 looming in the near future, my heart and stomach couldn’t possibly be more packed with boiling bile ready to empty themselves right onto the dinner plates of all the Kardashian family members. Doing collaborations with J-Dub probably hasn’t helped me out here, as he’s probably the only person in the world that hates these breathing plastic surgery disasters more than I do. But as stupid as a majority of people obsessed with celebrities are these days, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that in 2016 obsession comes to a screeching halt. I want to believe that someone of serious importance that many people trust as being reputable finally fucking stands up and says “Enough is enough…These people are doing considerable damage to our collective psyche…” Who would have the balls to do such a thing? Let’s start small…Bill Nye the Science Guy is probably one of the smartest individuals on the planet that everyone is familiar with. Perhaps he will be asked about this during an interview with Vice Magazine – or a similar publication – and he will utter something inherently cryptic about what America’s infatuation with this scummy splatter of sleaze bags is doing to our common subconscious. When asked to elaborate on this matter, he will give a well-educated explanation as to why the mere subliminal ingestion of seeing these dead between the eyes sacks of monkey shit does damage to the human race to the point that the effects will place irreversible psychological poisons inside our minds for generations to come. Too heavy? How about Bill Gates? He’s got no use for those dirtbag-fucking cum dumpsters, he’s a goddamned multi-billionaire. I’d be more than willing to listen to why he thinks that it probably isn’t healthy to continue to ingest clips of the daily activities of a family who only has money because their deserving dead piece of shit father somehow convinced the dumbest jury ever that OJ Simpson didn’t kill his ex-wife. Too brainy for you? Fair enough, maybe it’ll be Obama. He’s only going to have the short end of a year left by February anyway, and maybe he’ll wise up and realize that Kanye West is embarrassing the city of Chicago more than any one of the numerous politicians who have screwed the city’s residents out of their hard earned money over the past fifty years. What does he have to lose? Even though I agree with just about nothing he has done or said up until this point, I’d write him in for another term in November if he came out and laid these oxygen thieves out in one tirade. And if none of this stuff happens, there’s always ISIS. Funny how I should end this bit on the possibility of certain death right around the corner, because I think that this year…

  1.  Mick Jagger or Keith Richards will finally die

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This one seems like a total layup because it could happen at any time, but I smell blood in the water and by December 31st of next year one of these guys are gonna kick off for sure. The older we get, the more and more we realize that eventually we will live in a world without the Rolling Stones and Black Sabbath…unless of course we croak first ourselves. Keith Richards is 72 years old and has to be subsisting on more than just borrowed liver time. Back in 2010, noted journalist Peter Hitchens wrote that Richards was a “capering streak of living gristle who ought to be exhibited as a warning to the young of what drugs can do to you even if you’re lucky enough to not choke on your own vomit”. So I’m going to guess if that’s anywhere near as true as we’ve been led to believe it really is, he probably won’t make it to Ryan Seacrest’s New Year’s Not-So Rockin’ and Dumbed Down as All Living Fuck Dubstep Explosion on December 31st of 2016. But even if he does, this is still a solid bet because Jagger isn’t really in prime physical condition now either. Also 72 and likely past the point of whether or not he gets to decide when he’ll need to TP his turd cutter, Jagger hasn’t been much use to the music industry as of late – the last charting single he had was a 2011 collaboration with Jennifer Lopez and the guy from the Black Eyed Peas. He has five grandchildren and one great grandchild, which is a hell of an achievement for somebody who has never lived in East Baltimore. In no way am I trivializing The Rolling Stones or the effect that they had on the evolution of blues in popular rock music, in fact quite to the contrary as they are one of the most important artists in the history of rock n’ roll and “Gimme Shelter” is definitely in one of my top ten songs of all time. But these two have been cheating death for so long that it almost seems too weird to be true. But not nearly as weird as me forecasting that at some point this year…

  1.  Some politician is going to be involved in some bizarre scandal that is beyond our imagination and comprehension   

New Jersey corrupt politicians. Illustration by Saed Hindash/The Star-Ledger

It’s no secret politicians have gotten caught up in some seriously weird scandals over the years, but this year we’re going to see something that will truly blow our minds. Now I’m not talking about your typical late-night hotel room complaint where a state senator is caught in a hotel room with an eight ball, a couple of hookers and a box full of broken dildos. Our tolerance for such stories is way too high for that to stay on the front page of TMZ for more than a couple of hours. I’m talking about somebody at the congressional level getting outed for doing something so weird that they’re going to make Anthony Weiner look like Pope Francis. Don’t believe me? Okay, fine. But if I would have told you at this time last year the guy with the nerd glasses who was the pitchman for Subway is now staring at least a half decade of continuous buttrape in prison square in the face after years of plugging underage hole and paying good money to do so, would you have believed that? This is precisely why we’re due for something we can’t quite wrap our heads around coming out of the Washington underground into our living room. It’s going to look like it came straight from The Onion, only this time it will be coming through your NBC or CBS news feed. Even the most creative imaginations won’t be able to dream up something this odd, and that’s why even though I wouldn’t put myself in that category I have next to nothing here. Somebody’s going to have a boatload of videos of themselves wanking it to whale-birthing footage on their iPhone before leaving it unlocked at the airport, and then all hell is going to break loose. The late night talk show writers are going to be so full of sperm jokes they’ll need to get abortions every other day, and Twitter is going to fucking explode. But that won’t even be the year’s “deadliest catch”, because at some point…

  1.  YouTube is going to realize virtually everybody skips their ads and it will change the way we all watch videos online forever

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How many of you reading this right now have watched a video on YouTube recently? Great. Since now we can clearly tell who didn’t decide to put deodorant on this morning, how many of you actually clicked on a video without trying to skip whatever ridiculous ad was in front of it? Lot of people putting their hands down here, and that’s because as long as you can skip ads on YouTube, almost nobody is going to watch those advertisements. YouTube probably knows this already, but pretty soon Noxema, Burger King, and all of these other businesses dumping millions of dollars annually into their money-making machine are going to demand some no-bullshit statistics about how many times people are doing this. Those numbers are going to be even more eye-opening than even the most pessimistic advertising executive could ever imagine:  They’ll show that .000000000000000000000000000036% of people play these ads in totality on their electronic devices, and virtually all of those people are taking a shit. When these firms get those results a lot of people who probably also knew this was going down will be fired immediately, and YouTube is going to have to chuck the “Skip Ad” button forever. Much like the Tinder thing, I’m shocked this hasn’t already taken place but after a couple of weeks people will realize it’s not that big of a deal. Or at least it won’t be, as long as these clips stay at 15 or 30 seconds. The payoff has to match what you’re willing to sacrifice, or this is going to be a huge problem. If I have to go into another room and pretend that I’m cleaning my kitchen counter for five minutes just to sneak back to my computer desk and watch a twenty second clip of Anderson Cooper farting during a presidential debate, somebody in retention or customer loyalty is seriously fucking up.

(Editor’s Note:  This piece was originally done in early October of 2105, before YouTube launched their prepaid subscription service YouTube Red on the 28th of that same month. However, I do believe that a great deal of the hurdles you are allowed to clear by purchasing the service will only continue to get worse in order to encourage people to subscribe to YTR.)

But it will be a minor inconvenience of living in a society that demands ten of everything a half of an hour ago, especially when compared to the fact that there’s a huge possibility that…

  1.  A very serious California earthquake is going to take place, although it won’t be the “big one” that we’ve been hearing about for several years

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It seems like it’s been forever since California has experienced a major traumatic natural disaster, so this might not be much of a stretch to peg. Now to be clear, I’m not going balls deep on this one. No way. This idea that large portions of the Golden State are going to crack off at the San Andreas fault line is a little bit too far fetched for me to take in, and although it would also take care of number two on this list I don’t think it will happen. Nevertheless, it will be big and every bit as catastrophic and devastating as the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake which temporarily delayed our appreciation of Jose Canseco’s ability to effectively utilize steroids for ten whole days. Something has to be going on out there below the earth that we’re not fully aware of, and that may or may not be related to the fact that the whole state of California has been dryer than Betty White’s vagina on a July afternoon in the middle of Death Valley as of late. I’m no seismologist – the extent of my knowledge is no further than knowing how to play “Richter Scale Madness” by …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead on guitar – but I would think the with nature has been behaving out there, something that not even Al Gore himself can stop is on its way and everybody within a forty mile radius is going to fucking get it and get it hard.

Summary

I might be wrong about most or all of these predictions, but I hope that we’ve all learned something today about the endless possibilities of the future and the many, many beautiful or horrible events that could lie ahead. But what can we do to make a difference and try to make this world a much better place to live in? Nothing. That’s the sad part – we’ve systematically reduced ourselves to a culture where any one person can make a significant difference and have a positive effect on what sits in front of them. That’s why we resort to doing things like posting blogs and spewing hate on social media. Like it or lump it, we’re become a voyeuristic species so all we can do in the meantime is stay tuned and watch this shit show…YouTube commercials and all. There’s nothing you can really do about it, so you might as microwave yourself a burrito and watch it all go downhill in HD.

After all, it’s the least you can do for yourself.

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.

Eight Thirty Seven

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