Why You Shouldn’t cheer for: The Carolina Panthers

 

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By J-Dub and Eight Thirty Seven

Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism and First Order Historians to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. The reason why we do this is actually rather simple.  The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now.  That means those of who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.

The Carolina Panthers played in a Super Bowl in 2004, but the only people who remember that are Tom Brady, who is in Brazil banging his super-model wife, and Bill Belichick, who is now squirreling away cash in suitcases for the inevitable end in New England.

Flash the clock forward twelve years, and there’s a new generation of Panthers playing in the big game.   On Media Night, Cam Newton said he wasn’t having fun at that moment, but that he intended to have much more fun as this event unfolds.

Here’s why he’s not having fun with the media.  Last Wednesday,  “I’m an African-American quarterback…that may scare a lot of people because haven’t seen nothing that that they compare me to…” Like it or not, he’s exactly right about that.  Better yet, the jerk-offs in the main-stream sports media took that comment out of context and used it to create yet another fucked-up narrative about race in sports.  That’s actually a reason to cheer for the Panthers, so if you want to dive into that topic, check out J-Dub’s latest podcast, where he gives that “black quarterback” horseshit the funeral it so badly needs.

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But that’s not the point of this article.

The Carolina Panthers are having a lot of fun on their way to Super Bowl 50, and along that road, they are of this writing a six-point favorite.  That wasn’t the case the last time they made it to the big dance; then they were expected to roll over and relax just like Gisele does whenever “Tommy Touchdown” wants to knock on the back door.

Here’s the deal.  It’s isn’t hard to see the Panthers as the “better team on paper,” but there’s some things the betting man really can’t ignore.

For starters, there’s the fact Carolina should still be undefeated. The only reason they aren’t is because they throat-fucked themselves in an unforgivable fashion to Atlanta in Week 16.  The Falcons had been a punching bag for the rest of the NFL since Week Six, and then your Super Bowl favorite made them look better than a bar maid at closing time.

Every year when we get a team headed toward that NFL Nirvana of an undefeated season, ESPN puts all those sore-headed old cranks from the 1972 Dolphins on stand-by so we can have that moment when they pop corks celebrating a moment that becomes less relevant and even less memorable with every passing chance.  In other words, the Panthers blew our shot to finally shut up all those geezers forever.  Seriously, who doesn’t want to see that usual “hey, they lost” celebration go horribly wrong…so much so we want to picture Don Shula and Larry Csonka under a Miami freeway desperately looking for a place to dump Mercury Morris’ freebase-immolated body.

In the immortal words of John Belushi…..Buuuuuuuttt, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Carolina got stuffed by Matt Ryan’s muppet squad of a football team, and we spent the next four days hearing about how it was a “good loss” for the Panthers. Fuck that.  “Good loss” is right up there with “jumbo shrimp,” or “free Wi-Fi” where the password never works.  In other words, it’s a bigger load of shit than a herd of elephants on a juice cleanse. We would have been willing to forgive Carolina  for signing Rodney Fucking Peete off waivers in 2002, and maybe even for every other crap-tacular decision that franchise has made (Jimmy Clausen, anybody?)  if they had only silenced the ’72 Dolphins up before the Grim Reaper finally does.

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More people bought Keanu Reeves as an NFL quarterback than this guy.

What’s even worse is once they got to 10-0, shoving a huge dose of Panther-dick into collective blow-hole of the Aging Aquatic Mammals should have been easier than the lay-up basketball team give to the brain-cancered “Make-A-Wish” kid.  The Panthers schedule was of  similar quality as Flint, Michigan toilet water filtered through Charlie Sheen’s Fruit-of-the-Looms.   Even before we realized this team didn’t suck, the Panthers heading into their bye in Week Five had racked up wins against the less-than-formidable Jaguars, Texans, Saints, and Buccaneers. The only team worth mentioning out of that foursome is Houston, and they were worse than lukewarm coffee for the first half of the season.

Give the Panthers season a hard look, and you quickly realize their only “quality” wins were against Seattle and Green Bay.  Its a testament to the level of suckitude to which the NFL has sunk the NFL has sunk because we can remember the day when the Bowl was typically reserved for teams who do more than simply win  games they should win.

That’s pretty much what the Panthers did, and the fact that the Broncos made it to Super Sunday is another example, but that’s next installment.  The Panthers won a division in which the next closest competition came form a team busy keeping Jameis Winston from raping the girl at the crab leg store.  Carolina goes to the Super Bowl, and everybody else in the NFC NASCAR division (thanks, Howie)  plays for draft seeding.

The bottom line is then or now, the Panthers are about as tradition-rich as a Taylor Swift “Greatest Hits” compilation. Unless you are under 23 years old, it’s impossible to say “I’ve been a Panthers fan my whole life.”  We also know about 96% of “die-hard” Panther fans over the age of 30 were all about those “Dirty Bird” Atlanta Falcons who embarrassed themselves in that Super Bowl against the Broncos.

So, while you Carolinians (yeah, we know there aren’t any Panthers fans outside of legal “cousin-fucking” territory) are trying not to spill moonshine and gasoline on your exceptionally-non-intimidating teal-and-faggy Jake DelHomme jerseys, remember that even if you win, being Panthers fan will still only be as “hard-core” as jerking off to a chick on the Weather Channel.

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