by Eight Thirty Seven
2015 was not a good year for a lot of people that I know personally or have become acquainted with for one reason or another. It seems like every year I do this, there’s so much confusing and horrible news that it seems like these get longer and longer every twelve months. So I’m going to simplify this down to six things and leave it at that. Let’s get right into it.
- Pop Culture Phrase That Sucks Balls But Has Unfortunately Become Representative Of How Lazy We’ve Become As A Society: “Netflix and Chill”
You know, someday I might actually ditch my current internet and cable company (Mediacom) because they overcharge the shit out of me for an awful product that boasts grossly exaggerated speeds. I might decide that getting one of these on-demand streaming services like Netflix that have become so popular among working people that are going to otherwise miss their favorite programming. But I will never, ever apologize for going after the term “Netflix and Chill” as acceptable vernacular. For those of you don’t know, “Netflix and Chill” essentially means you intend to meet whoever has agreed to said text communication and have sex with them. However, it’s going to lose its meaning here in a little under a year’s time. You could really even argue that it already has, because I’ve seen people who clearly don’t engage in that activity talk about how they are going to go home and “Netflix and Chill”. Why are we so afraid to use the word “Fuck” anymore? Just say what you’re doing, we don’t need a whole separate code for this practice. And what happens if you arrive at your Netflix-and-Chill-buddy’s house and then you both fall asleep on the couch while season five of “Mad Men” plays in the background? You can’t be upset about it, because “Netflix and Chill” is really all you’ve agreed on to begin with. But what probably bothers me the most about it is the fact that now we have brand-specific sex slang. That means every time you head over to Kayleigh’s house to do the nasty, you’re giving Netflix free advertising that they absolutely do not need. A year from now this laziness won’t even mean sex. It will just mean that you are going to sit there and binge-watch some shitty TV show that probably should have never made it to syndication in the first place. This is precisely why America sucks today: Instead of having hobbies and long-term goals that one pursues after they get home from their day job, everybody just streams shit on demand and never gets anything done, ever. It’s nothing short of a miracle that through all of this people are still writing books and making albums and films. It just seems like we are becoming more and more accepting of calling it a night the second we walk in the door with every passing year. As long as there’s Busch Light in the fridge, it’s all good and there’s no real work to be done. We’ve become a society of consumers with very few producers, and if you ask me all of these motherfuckers can go home and Netflix-and-chill themselves.
- Celebrity Death I Could Actually Feel Good About – Vincent “Don Vito” Margera
On November 15th of this year, convicted sex offender Vincent “Don Vito” Margera died from kidney and liver failure after falling into a coma at age 59. Although most of us remember Margera from his appearances on the hit MTV show “Viva La Bam”, we should know him for his 2006 arrest in which he groped several twelve year old girls at an autograph signing in Lakewood, Colorado. I realize that the past is in the past and when someone dies, you’re not supposed to jump down their throat about anything that they did and let them rest in peace. Well, I run this motherfucker so I don’t have to adhere to those rules. Fuck this guy. I couldn’t possibly be any happier that he’s dead, and I mean that from the bottom of my cold, black heart. This dude was a straight up sicko, who was exploited by his “family” because his “antics” seemed humorous. To make a long story short, Don Vito was put in a bunch of skateboard videos produced by a high school dropout whose family let him disrespect every value they stood for and after years of not addressing his problems with alcohol and grabass he finally got caught. Then, because of a bullshit story concocted by the defense about how he was just playing his TV character, the state finally decided to let this fat piece of shit get away with just ten years of “serious probation” back in Pennsylvania instead of sentencing him to prison where he truly belonged. In end, the grim reaper got him and it was epic. There were still idiots posting status updates on Facebook about his death and putting R.I.P. after his name, but he’s toast now and that is awesome. I hope he spends twenty-three hours a day in hell eating Hitler’s asshole and the other hour writing reports on how it tastes. Good fucking riddance. Speaking of someone who personifies the dark side of the human experience…
- Most Bizarre Celebrity scandal involving someone who couldn’t be any further from being an actual celebrity: The Jared Fogle Saga
Back in August, former Subway spokesperson and assumed huge high school cheerleading enthusiast Jared Fogle reached a plea deal with federal prosecutors in which he agreed to plead guilty to something a hell of a whole lot more disturbing than pitching sandwiches. Billions of hack comic “footlong” Jared prison jokes soon followed, leaving all those who have children to recoil in horror about the actions of some weirdo who was never ever famous in the first place. As someone who doesn’t have kids I still found his actions to be appalling, but I couldn’t help asking myself: Why did anybody ever think this asshole was ever a celebrity in the first place? This guy was doing corporate speeches for companies all throughout America and getting tens of thousands of dollars to tell some bullshit story about how he lost almost two hundred pounds cramming cold carbs into his craw, but why was he even given that opportunity in the first place? Am I supposed to think that everybody who tells a story that makes Richard Simmons cry like his escort service is out of young Asian boys for the night deserves legendary status? It was never a good story to begin with, so to follow up on it after this sick series of events just reminds us of how stupid we were for making the sandwich pedophile dork with the shitty haircut “famous” from the get-go. I fully understand that what he did was wrong and in no way am I defending his actions, but honestly anybody who bit into this story like it was a six inch meatball marinara should check themselves as to why they even put this guy on a pedestal to begin with. I’m just trying to prevent all of you clowns from losing your fucking minds when Flo from the Progressive commercials gets caught banging a horse this upcoming March.
Halftime Break: Best Joke of the Year – Sam Morril from his Comedy Central Half Hour Special
“I dated this girl one time, and she told me she wanted me to treat her like a princess…So I hired the paparazzi to follow her around and she died in a car crash”
- Most Depressing Trend Amongst People Who Should Clearly Know Better: The Growing Political Discourse on Social Media
I don’t even really know where to start with this one. I’m probably going to have a lot of people that I’ve known for years get upset with me for saying this, but it’s reached its breaking point and I don’t really care anymore. There is nothing more sad and pathetic than seeing people who I know are smart enough to realize their voice makes little to no difference argue about politics on Facebook. It’s soul crushing. When I think about the art that they could be making or the songs that they could be writing or literally anything else that they could be doing with their time – including spending time with their families – and see them instead attacking people they don’t even know for their voting habits and partisan tendencies, it literally makes me want to fucking kill myself. I do understand that some people are passionate about politics and that social media gives them a bullhorn with which to broadcast their every thought, but some times you just have to sock that shit and realize nobody cares. We exist in a wash of political discourse that is so confusing and filled with noise that we forget that the electoral college prevents us from having a real say in any presidential election. I hate to simplify this down to the point where I’ve begun to sound patronizing, but if your state has a tendency to vote in the opposite manner of your party affiliation – your vote doesn’t count. It just fucking doesn’t. Zero means zero. It doesn’t mean .005, it doesn’t mean .000005, and it doesn’t mean .000000000005 either. That means all of the time you’ve wasted trying to post videos on Facebook and share links on Twitter is gone forever, and it’s all for naught. You have ten months to turn this fucking thing around and realize that you don’t have to spend your life this way any longer. And don’t come at me with any of this “You see, it’s because of people like you that the system is the way that it is!” and such nonsense. No, it isn’t. It’s out of my hands much in the same manner that it’s out of yours. The individuals that control who gets to do what and which laws end up becoming passed are not going to be swayed by somebody who makes idle threats about unfriending people based on their political beliefs. The revolution is not coming, everybody settle down and relax and spend some time with those you care about instead of blowing smoke up the asshole of someone you will never meet that in no way will give a shit about you for any reason. I’m not happy about the state of government in America today, but I’m also not gullible enough to think that my opinion makes a difference in the big picture. If that upsets you, I guess you can “unfriend” me but for the love of God…some of you people are in your forties. Are you really stupid enough to need a newsfeed to determine who your friends are?
- YouTube Trend That I Ended Up Becoming a Huge Fan of by Accident: ASMR
As a video medium, you can find just about anything on YouTube nowadays. And since “anything” includes various videographers and computer users recording videos of themselves whispering into a microphone and touching paintbrushes at an exaggerated volume, as you might imagine there are hundreds of ASMR videos for you to choose from. ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response, which is a fancy way of saying “whisper porn”. Essentially what happens is that different sounds result in different reactions (these reactions are called “triggers”) and usually you get what amounts to goosebumps. Typically this is the type of thing that I would usually mock to no end, but it’s hard to deep six this one – because I fucking love it. I’ve suffered from insomnia for so long I can’t even remember the time before I had it, so anything that helps me to get to sleep I consider to be a God send. It’s definitely not for everybody (and probably not the first thing you want to listen to in the morning unless you plan to crawl right back into bed) but it has helped me tremendously with my insomnia and overall relaxation levels later in the day. The best cat in the ASMR game has to be this user “EphemeralRift” that does all sorts of these crazy themed videos. For all of you metal heads, there’s even one called “Relax with Satan” that is priceless. How I fell down this rabbit hole I’ll never know, but I’m glad that I did.
- Least Surprising Death in the Entertainment Industry: Scott Weiland
Nobody anywhere was shocked when word came down on late December 3rd of this year that former Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver lead vocalist Scott Weiland was found dead on his tourbus after an incident which I’m sure didn’t involve any type of illicit substance use. I feel kind of torn here because I’ve always been a huge fan of STP, and even though I didn’t care much for VR I never want to see a musician die for any reason. That being said, Scott Weiland was never really that concerned about his health at all and was very skinny his entire life. So it’s no shocker that after years of heroin and cocaine abuse the damage he had done to his body finally caused his heart to go into a state of cardiac arrest, and he ended up croaking in a bunk somewhere in Central Minnesota. Much like the Don Vito story, people took to social media immediately and began posting tribute videos and the like. But I have to say that after reading what his ex-wife wrote about his relationship with his children, this guy seemed like a real prick. I had previously heard stories before that he rarely made efforts to see his kids, but seeing that letter made me see that guy in a different light. I think it’s real weird how when someone famous dies due to addiction, their problems are referred to as demons. But if they are poor and relatively unknown, they are a junkie. Well, I hate to call a spade a spade but Scott Weiland lived and died a junkie. Simple as that. He may have truly lived the rock n’ roll lifestyle, but he also had a family at home and I hate to say it folks – you can’t have both of those things and do both to the extreme.
Even for a guy who quantifies just about everything and couldn’t care less about birthdays, holidays, or any other sort of marker of time whatsoever I have to say I’m looking forward to the first of January like a motherfucker. 2016 can’t possibly be any worse than 2015, call me an incurable optimist if you must. We’ll still have to deal with the election and all of the hoopla surrounding that mess, but I can’t imagine that next year will be anywhere near as depressing as 2015 ended up being. I guess we’ll either have to stay tuned, or tune out altogether. I’m leaning towards the second one.
Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.
Eight Thirty Seven