by Eight Thirty Seven with assistance from J-Dub and Jason from Indiana
As much as we’d all like to pretend the following fact is not true, we are all going to die. Death as defined as the cessation of life is every bit as real as the fact that none of us are going to win the lottery, and we’re probably going to have to deal with seeing Kanye West more than we’d like to over the course of the next decade. Sometimes life really sucks. What sucks even more is that eventually we’re all going that big liquor cabinet in the sky, and there isn’t a damn thing any of us can do about it. What’s yet even more disturbing than that is some of us are closer our fate than we realize. After reading this, you could get T-boned by a semi truck and every one of your family members could be dressed in black two days later wondering how the fuck they’re going to pay for that casket. In short, life ain’t always long.
This year in the NFL has been very symbolic of such a troubling confrontation with the reality of death. Consider this: While the Sunday Night Football season finale decided the difference between the Vikings as a three seed as opposed to a six, remember that before the week sixteen Monday Night game against Cincinnati, Denver could have been eliminated from playoff contention if they lost the last two weeks and several other teams stepped up to the plate and won. That’s how close you can be to the hole in the NFL this year…One week you’re almost out of the hunt completely, then seven days later you’re the one seed and you have your All-Pro quarterback healthy again. Who knew?
J-Dub: So, here we are…the NFL Play-offs are upon us. The play-offs are like a concentrated version of the regular season. The mistake a lot of people make is they confuse “concentrated” with “better”, when in many cases, the exact opposite is true. Think of it this way: Concentrated orange juice is to fresh as bouillon cubes are to steak.
If you don’t understand the difference, try this. Without putting it in water, just start sucking on a bouillon cube. Once that hyper-salty solution hits your stomach, the projectile vomiting you will experience will be quite like no other sensation you’ve ever known. Don’t ask how I know this, rather understand that the NFL play-offs this year are just like sucking on a bouillon cube; there’s going to be a lot of barfing.
The NFL is similar to certain death for all of humanity, except for the fact that one team every year emerges victorious. But eleven of the twelve playoff teams are going to bite it, and very rarely does a team that is playing Wild Card weekend win it all. And even if they do, half of the eight teams you’ll see through beer goggles this weekend are going down in flames. We’re pretty sure we have a good idea who, and we’re going to do our best to help you not blow your fucking mortgage payment in the process. This is the First Order Historians 2016 NFL Wild Card Weekend Preview: Somebody Has To Die. Continue reading