NFL Wild Card Weekend Preview:  Somebody Has To Die


by Eight Thirty Seven with assistance from J-Dub and Jason from Indiana

As much as we’d all like to pretend the following fact is not true, we are all going to die. Death as defined as the cessation of life is every bit as real as the fact that none of us are going to win the lottery, and we’re probably going to have to deal with seeing Kanye West more than we’d like to over the course of the next decade. Sometimes life really sucks. What sucks even more is that eventually we’re all going that big liquor cabinet in the sky, and there isn’t a damn thing any of us can do about it. What’s yet even more disturbing than that is some of us are closer our fate than we realize. After reading this, you could get T-boned by a semi truck and every one of your family members could be dressed in black two days later wondering how the fuck they’re going to pay for that casket. In short, life ain’t always long.

This year in the NFL has been very symbolic of such a troubling confrontation with the reality of death. Consider this:  While the Sunday Night Football season finale decided the difference between the Vikings as a three seed as opposed to a six, remember that before the week sixteen Monday Night game against Cincinnati, Denver could have been eliminated from playoff contention if they lost the last two weeks and several other teams stepped up to the plate and won. That’s how close you can be to the hole in the NFL this year…One week you’re almost out of the hunt completely, then seven days later you’re the one seed and you have your All-Pro quarterback healthy again. Who knew?

J-Dub:  So, here we are…the NFL Play-offs are upon us.  The play-offs are like a concentrated version of the regular season.  The mistake a lot of people make is they confuse “concentrated” with “better”, when in many cases, the exact opposite is true. Think of it this way:  Concentrated orange juice is to fresh as bouillon cubes are to steak.  

If you don’t understand the difference, try this. Without putting it in water, just start sucking on a bouillon cube.  Once that hyper-salty solution hits your stomach, the projectile vomiting you will experience will be quite like no other sensation you’ve ever known. Don’t ask how I know this, rather understand that the NFL play-offs this year are just like sucking on a bouillon cube; there’s going to be a lot of barfing.

The NFL is similar to certain death for all of humanity, except for the fact that one team every year emerges victorious. But eleven of the twelve playoff teams are going to bite it, and very rarely does a team that is playing Wild Card weekend win it all. And even if they do, half of the eight teams you’ll see through beer goggles this weekend are going down in flames. We’re pretty sure we have a good idea who, and we’re going to do our best to help you not blow your fucking mortgage payment in the process. This is the First Order Historians 2016 NFL Wild Card Weekend Preview:  Somebody Has To Die. Continue reading

Super Bowl XLIX Wrap-Up‏


by Ryan Meehan

Super Bowl XLIX came to a close in a very unique fashion on Sunday night, and the 2014-2015 NFL season is now in the books.  The new England Patriots found themselves the beneficiaries of a late game play calling mistake that saw them intercepting the final Seahawks play, and eventually winning the game 28-24 to claim their fourth Super Bowl title in fourteen years.  This will wrap-up our coverage of the NFL for some time, and it’ll be a while before football is discussed on this site again.  Here is what went down during Super Bowl XLIX…

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The FOH Super Bowl XLIX Preview Extravagantacular



by Ryan Meehan

After a season of some fantastic NFL football – as well as a lot of real stinkers – Super Bowl XLIX is finally here.  For the second straight year, both one seeds in their respective conference will be appearing in the big game.  It should be one of the best Super Bowl in recent years, and after saying that about last year’s shitstorm it had better be.  The football Gods kind of owe us a good one here, as we had high expectations for last year’s game and it ended up being terrible.  We’ve still never had a Super Bowl go into overtime, and that’s something that every fan wants to see before they end up like Morgan Freeman’s character at the end of The Bucket List.  (Spoiler alert)  This one’s for all of the marbles, a saying that would be a decent analogy if anybody still played with marbles in 2015.  Sunday night we will get to see the Fourty-Ninth Super Bowl in NFL history, and this is the First Order Historians Super Bowl XLIX Extravagantacular.

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NFL Championship Weekend Wrap-Up


by Ryan Meehan

The stage is set for Super Bowl XLIX, and Sunday gave us the best and worst of both worlds.  We opened up with a game that started out being pretty boring, but then had probably one of the craziest endings in conference championship game history.  The other game was about as close to unwatchable as you can get, and got out of hand really fast.  Either way we now know who will face-off in Glendale two short weeks from now, so let’s look at how it happened in this week’s conference championship wrap-up.

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NFL Conference Championship Weekend Preview 2015


by Ryan Meehan

We’re down to the Final Four of the 2014-15 NFL season, and it’s safe to say that all of the teams who didn’t really deserve to remain in the hunt for Super Bowl XLIX are now gone.  Every team who got here is deserving of the chance to be a game away from the big one, and we all know it.  We’re not going to discuss Dallas or Denver in this article – This piece is for the teams who have actually earned the honor of being discussed the second week of January.  The NFC gives us a match-up that may very well end up becoming similar to the Giants/Niners playoff match-ups we saw in the late eighties.  It’s a conference game, but not a divisional game, yet the two teams can’t stand each other with the intensity of a rivalry that exists within a division.  This of course goes back to that fateful Monday night a couple of years ago where the NFL discovered that paying your referees actually matters, so two of them don’t end up in the end zone each making a different call within the same second.  That’s water under the bridge now and while out West we may be seeing the new establishment of a rivalry we can enjoy for several years, one that only recently went away has now reared its head again in the New England area.  The Colts and Patriots are now must-see TV again, just so long as you don’t count the Sunday Night Football game from earlier this year as “Must See TV”.  But then again, who doesn’t love a good crime scene?  I was glued to the TV that night and couldn’t wait for some hot young brunette to show up and start powdering prints while LL Cool J said something urban enough to retain his street cred, but just non-threatening enough to not scare white network television viewers in the 55-64 demographic.  The point here is, as NFL fans we like killer match-ups.  Both of these games have the potential for being awesome.  Sunday could end up being six of the best hours of sports you’ll ever see, and I hope that for everyone’s sake I’m right.  I can’t tell you how happy I am to say that one of these team’s playoff runs is based almost solely off of the energy put out by their defense, so that’s exactly where we’ll start in the 2015 Conference Championship preview edition…

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